In our last blog post we talked about the draw we were feeling to China, and our uncertainty about what God was asking us to do. This is a little about the steps leading up to the connection between China, and adoption.
I was helping host a Women’s conference at Church. The “IF” conference. https://www.ifgathering.com We decided that one of our focuses for a ministry/mission project would be foster care and adoption. We had ladies representing all different aspects. We talked about the Foster Closet and all of the wonderful things they provide for families. http://www.fostercloset.org We had a social worker share about her experiences. We had a couple of foster and adoptive Mamas share their stories. All the while, I felt engaged and intrigued by their stories, but was still maintaining my wall of distance.
At the end of the conference, we were challenged to be a disciple, and to make a disciple. “Be one, make one” I felt a tug on my heartstrings. I tried to argue that I already was doing that. At home with my own two girls. I was discipling them. The sweet kiddos at school in my classroom. I was discipling them. But still… “Be one, and make one”. I kept hearing it. Feeling it. It became louder. “Be one, and make one”… “GO, and be one and make one”. China? Was China back? What was in China? Make one out of who? “GO and be one, and GET HER and make one”. Wait! What? Get her? Get who? Was He really asking me to go and bring home a daughter from China? No. Just no. I can’t. I won’t. Not gonna happen. I literally felt that fight or flight feeling that you get when something terrifies you. Adoption was not something that I was open to. I had shut and locked that door a long time ago. But yet, I felt Him knocking on it. Asking me to please listen. I began to pray about it. Pray that He would show me. Pray that He would empower me. Pray that He would calm my heart and nerves. Pray for Him to make me brave. I tried to argue with Him. I remember telling Him “But, I’m comfortable. The girls are growing up and are so self sufficient these days” As clear as day, I felt Him say “I didn’t call you to be comfortable. I called you to do hard and messy things”
Wow. How do you even begin to argue with that? Still though, I was scared. I mean after all, I had known China for a while. But still, a child? Adoption? You guys, it was such a refining process. I finally invited Him into that closed off part of my heart and allowed Him to start doing His work. Cleaning out the cobwebs of selfishness and pride. Over time I started to soften my will to His. I began to pray that He would take my heart and make it not only brave enough, but also that I would be excited to do this hard thing He had set in front of me. My heart began to fall so in love with the idea of this child that I hadn’t even met, a child that lived across the world from me. It is such a strange feeling to miss someone that you’ve never even met. I promise you, it was all God.
I then began to pray that He would open up better opportunities for a home for our family. The house we were in had become such a burden for our family. It was no longer the right home for us, and we had totally outgrown it. I prayed that we would be able to get it on the market quickly, and that it will sell right away. I prayed that we would find a house that was just right for us and this new chapter. It was a whirlwind. We got our house on the market, and it sold right away. We found a new home that fit all of our needs and was just what we were looking for. He was meeting me every step of the way. Holding my hand. Reassuring me. I am here. I’ve got this. You can do this. I needed that reassurance.
I would love to say that I was brave enough to stand and boldly say “Here I am, send me!” with loud confidence. Instead it ended up being a very quiet “Yes. I will go” that I whispered. The thing is, we serve a big God. He can work with our quiet “yes”. What He really cares about is our willing hearts, and I was willing.
Houseful of Houghs 